Friday, July 28, 2017

The 2n worst day of my life


                How unique the day I just had today, the day I deem the second worst day of my life.  There were bad days in the past but I have decided this to be the second worst. Obviously the day in which I buried my grandfather and found out my best friend died was the worst day.  Today though, I met my parents for breakfast.  I just talked to Kera, who thinks she figured out why my day was bad because she thinks I spent it with my parents.  That is no where near that case.  My dad left after breakfast, and he’s the one I don’t’ get along with.  Going shopping with my mom is something I expected, sure it sucks, but I was used to it.  No, the thing that made today so bad is that I asked to go shopping.  I gave up; I threw in the towel to fashion.  Today is the day I decided to conform, something I have been fighting for the vast majority of my life.  Nobody can understand my pain, not even Kera.  Everyone thinks I should be happy that now I’m going to look nice, and I’ll have more confidence because I look nice, but that won’t be the case.  I hate myself for what I did.  I just couldn’t take being an 18-year-old virgin, I got desperate, that’s why I did it.  Desperation, now I’m sitting here with the an arch nemesis of mine named Kenneth Cole and Polo Ralph Lauren.  I plan on telling Kera this at her play on next Friday.  That way, she’ll see my conformity, then I’ll have to explain that I’m not just dressed up for this specific occasion but I’m dressed up because this is how I dress now.  I can’t help but to think I lost the argument to Hristina, Kwsta, and Johnnie, but I didn’t do this for them.  I did this for me, it was a desperate attempt, I realized today why I love being away from my family.  My parents picked up right where they left off, talking about fat flush and trying to get me to eat healthy.  That’s fine, like I said my dad left early.  With me, we were relatively quick given the amount of clothes I got, my mom shopped longer than me but didn’t buy anything.  Shopping is something I always hated, but this time I gave in to the bullshit.  I gave in to society, I lost the war and I reached the lowest point I have ever hit.  I know this nice clothes thing will fail in getting girls.  IT isn’t the clothes, it’s me, I know this but I just got desperate, and figured it can’t hurt.  The only rational I’ve been able to come up with was “If I truly don’t care what I wear, than I won’t mind wearing nice clothing.”  It is a rational argument.  One that should make me feel better, but it doesn’t because I can’t get out of my head the fact that I conformed today October 12, 2002.  That disgusts me, that disgusts me worse than if I smoked a cigarette.  Some say I’m overreacting, but that person does not understand me.  They don’t understand my morale, and they don’t’ understand my depression.  If they can’t understand how can they help me.  They can’t, they won’t.  That’s why I’m all alone, to lament in my own misery because it is a concept that nobody can fathom. Why would anyone be miserable because he wears nice clothing and if he is, why doesn’t he just stop.  I can’t stop because my mom spent $1100 on this shit today, and I feel bad.  I can’t stop because I’ve hit an all time low that I will not recover from.  This is like a cigarette to me, I’m addicted, I want to stop but I can’t.  Except it’s a sense of feeling bad toward my mother.  Another argument I can say to myself, is that I needed winter clothing, all my clothes were T-shirts and I only had a couple sweatshirts that were all NYU and sweaters that make me look like I’m in a country club anyway.  That argument doesn’t even make rational sense to me though.  If that’s all I wanted, I would have bought more sweatshirts that I’m accustomed to wearing, or just the leather jacket.  One of the few things I bought today that isn’t evidence of my conformity.  The jeans are also not evident of my conformity, because I never had a problem with jeans or leather jackets.  I actually preferred leather jackets because they’re warmer thus it’s practical.  But the two button down Kenneth Cole shirts is conformity.  The four Polo shirts I bought is conformity.  Thus only six items today was a result of my conformity.  Only six?  That’s a lot of items to me.  The sad thing is I will wear them, so even if these clothing lead to good, and get me laid before Thanksgiving (when I’m going to let Joe hook me up with a random girl to fuck) this day is still a bad day because I did it by not being me.  Not being me?  That isn’t rational either, though I change the outside, the inside core has not budged in inch.  My personality is the same, it won’t change because it can’t change.  So why do I feel it is?  I don’t know, one of my conspiracies I guess.  Based on these reasons, today is the second worst day of my life. 

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