Love is not enough

                Love has been defined by many people in many different settings.  Many things are said about love.   Yet, upon further review, all the descriptions seem vague.  I won’t go into all of them but one that always interested me was, “Love conquers All.”  There was an Italian painting depicting my favorite interpretation of this phrase.  It shows a couple looking miserable with cupid standing over them seemingly attacking them.  I can’t tell you the name of the painting or who painted it but I can tell you what I was told that part of the painting was depicting (it is a large painting and this is but a small part of it).  It’s saying that when they say “love conquers all” people always assume that love is on your side.  It assumes that love is looking out for you, guiding you, helping you, but in reality, love conquers you too.  You are just another victim for the selfishness and destruction love causes.  For love conquers all, so what made you think you weren’t included in the “all”?

                In Greek, there are four words for love.  “Phila” the love for a friend, “Adelphi” the love for family, “Eros”, “The love of the flesh” and “Agape” the love you have for your spouse.  For those that have been in love, “Eros” doesn’t belong on the same level as the other three.  The ancient Greeks got that wrong, infatuation, though debilitating, though prone to make you do stupid things, is not love.  It has a lot in common but a cubic sequonia may look like a diamond, but it is not nearly as valuable or as precious.  As Ayn Rand simply states, A = A.  If it’s not A, then it can’t equal A.  Infatuation, which is what “Eros” is, resembles love but is far from it.  As someone who speaks Greek, ancient Greek has strayed from these four distinguishing features.  After all, parents almost always call their kids “Agape mou” as in their love.  Technically, that should be in the Adelphi since it is family.  As it stands now, the word “Philh” means friend, “Adelphi” means sibling but Agape is still love.  The ancient Greeks did say that Agape was the most important.  I tend to agree but this still doesn’t do it justice.  I guess I will say my experience with love. 

                Growing up, I loved my best friend, Drew.  He is the only person who I will mention by name in this piece.  I was a dork growing up and Drew was someone I always considered my only friend.  Looking back, this is a huge disservice to my other friends at the time as I even told them this.  But, to me, Drew always made me feel good about myself.  He never made me feel ashamed of who I was.  Before I developed self-security, Drew was the one who lifted me up.  I don’t know how my childhood would have gone without Drew helping me in the vulnerable stage of my childhood.  Even though Drew and I went to different high schools, and I didn’t go over to his house every weekend like I used to, I loved Drew and he was the most important person in my life.  It was the ultimate since of “Philia.”  Oddly enough, two days after I was legally an adult, Drew died.  Thus, the person that got me through childhood left my life at almost the precise moment I was legally not a child. 

                It wasn’t long before I found “Agape.”  When I was in college, I fell in love with a redhead girl.  Now, the odd thing about this is that even though I knew I was in love with her, I knew deep down that we weren’t compatible.  This is the beginning stages of my realization of the title of this piece, “Love is not enough.”  For Yes I loved her, I can’t speak for her but she did keep me around.  Some say she’s toxic for me.  Some say it means nothing that when guys who wanted to fuck her in college told her to send me home so they could, she sent them home.  She was promiscuous but when ultimatums were made, she chose me, something that other female friends in college, some I consider closer and better friends than she, did not do in college.  That’s got to account for something.  One of the best things that ever between my relationship with her is when she told me she fucked my roommate.  It was a couple years after college and it happened sometime during college, though I’m not sure when.  But, it finally made me shut off my feelings for her.  To me, the other guys didn’t matter but my roommate who hated her, that was enough for me to finally stop wanting her.  The main reason was still that we weren’t compatible and when you love someone that you know won’t be happy with you, you need to let them go.  That’s what I did.  She’s now married with two kids, I’m still a part of her life, and see her twice a month when I’m a guest at her and her husband’s apartment.  Her 4-year-old knows me very well and I’m pretty sure the couple months old will as well.  My mom hates that I’m friends with a married woman but the husband doesn’t mind and even told me to ask my mom why she thinks he should.  I asked, and my mom was shocked at the question and had no answer.  By the way, in case you’re wondering, my parents have a great relationship so my thoughts on love are not from having parents with a loveless marriage.  If anything, the opposite; I know what it looks like so I know when something isn’t it.  In the movie Life Iteself, Javier Rodriguez does what I did with the redhead.  He knew that he couldn’t be what his wife and child needed, so he left and let a man that loved them but could also support them financially do it.  I absolutely loathe men who leave their wives.  I do not credit Javier, because I do think he made the wrong decision, but I understand it.  It’s just that, you married her, you had the child with her, you need to make it work.  The redhead taught me agape, and honestly, I’m not sure what was greater, my love for Drew or for the redhead but this is not where the story ends.

                In 2008, I baptized the daughter of a high school friend of mine.  She had stayed in touch with me despite moving to Greece and unlike others in my life, didn’t stop seeing me just because she had a husband and kids.  Many say that the oil that you rub on the baby during the baptism does something to you.  I never believed it until I did it.  Most talk about that you rub your traits off on the kid and my goddaughter’s mother will tell you several traits of mine she has.  I, however, never realized the attachment I would feel.  I don’t know if it was from the oil or before.  Unlike most babies, she loved me from the moment I saw her.  I did too, which is why I chose to baptize her.  I asked my friend and her husband if I could.  When I see her, I realize that the love I have for her far surpasses my love for the redhead and Drew.  I didn’t know this level of love existed.  It only emboldened my not wanting kids because something tells me there’s a level above this one.  I can barely handle this level let alone something more.  I tell her she’s my number one person.  She tells me I’m hers.  I will love her till the day I die for she is the closest thing I’ll ever have to a kid. 

                Short break to talk about the topic I get harassed about the most.  My unwillingness to marry or have children.  Everyone always talks about “You haven’t met the right girl yet.” But that’s not it.  I realize how much work goes into it and it’s hard.  Since I don’t like pleasures of the flesh such as sex, oral or vaginal, I never saw any point in playing the game.  Not playing guarantees I will not have a significant other.  Given that I haven’t had one since I was 17, and I’m not 34, it appears, I am right.  What I tell people now so they can handle it and I don’t have to get in a massive argument over it, “I would get married if I find a girl I’m willing to put the work in for.”  Though, I’m beginning to think now that that’s disingenuous.  The fact is, I’m just not willing to put the work in at all.  Even if I found the girl, I don’t think I’d do it.  My biggest proof is the next girl on my list.  I guess I should also say that I would marry any girl that would be okay with letting me come down the aisle as the Undertaker to the theme music and do a skit when they announce us for the reception.  Even that though, is a joke that all but one person doesn’t take too seriously.  She is still searching but I doubt very hard.”

                Now there’s my “niece.”  I put that in quotation because biologically, she is not my niece.  She’s my friend’s niece though she calls me “Uncle” but doesn’t call her “Aunt.”  In truth’s defense, I insisted on it, my friend did not.  I have two blood nieces and one blood nephew.  I do love them but not like I love my “Niece.”  I try to tell myself it’s because she’s the first one to call me “Uncle.”  But, I’m not sure if that’s true.  Of course there’s no way to know because I did wait a very long time to be called the Greek version of “Uncle” as it is the same as my first name so it’s like they’re saying my name twice, which is cool to me.  This hasn’t gotten old for me.  She’s 25-years-old and still calls me it and I still love it.  It also depresses me when she doesn’t. 

Chris Rock said in the 90’s that “If you’ve never held a can of rat poison and contemplated killing her and the only thing that stopped you was an episode of CSI, you’ve never been in love.”  I always thought that that description was good.  The girl you love, yes you have the rainbows and unicorns, and all the touchy feely shit, but you also get the other side of the spectrum that this person can infuriate you more than anyone you have ever met.  This sums up my feelings for the redhead prior to her telling me she fucked my roommate.  Oddly, fucking my roommate didn’t enrage me yet almost every time I saw her, I would leave her apartment enraged and ready to kill someone.  Luckily, I never did.  I thought Chris Rock was on to something.  This being almost two decades later, Chris Rock is divorced and I am not with the redhead because I knew we weren’t compatible.  Chris Rock found the love that I found in college and, like me, didn’t realize there was a higher level.  Now, if I was with the redhead, I wouldn’t have cheated on her like Chris Rock did.  Many will say, I’m not as rich as Chris Rock so girls wouldn’t be throwing themselves at me left and right and there’s no way to disprove that unless I ever become rich and famous which I doesn’t’ look like I will.  The rich thing would be nice, but being famous sucks.  I think only shallow people would actually want to be famous.  Even the rich thing I wonder about.  I grew up upper middle class never wanting for anything.  My father’s extremely high work ethic gave me a pretty good childhood but also the fight over money through my siblings and even my extended family destroyed most of my family dynamic.  It is for this reason that I don’t value money too much.  I understand it’s important to make ends meet and to live but anything beyond that, I have little desire for.  This has stopped me from trying to get better paying jobs and sticking with the first real job I’ve ever had even though it will do fine to support me but could never support a wife and family.  Now back to my “niece.”

                  I first met my “Niece” when she was six years old.  Even back then, I knew there was something different about her.  I hated little kids not related to me before I met her but something clicked when I first saw her.  When she first called me “Uncle” I almost melted.  As she got older, I became closer and closer with her and she was a character in many stories.  As I read one of the stories that I gave to her mother, I realized that in explaining my relationship with her, I was describing all the symptoms of love.  Now, I knew I loved my “Niece” but I always thought it was “Adelphi” not “Agape.”  I tell my “Niece” I love her all the time and she always returns it.  She actually was the first one to say it to me.  It caught me so off guard that I froze.  I was climbing stairs after saying good bye to her and it was like I hit a brick wall.  I returned it but I saw a look of nervousness on her face almost like she regretted saying it.  Now, I think she gets sick of me saying it to her but hey she started it.  Although I have a vivid imagination and I have fantasized about many girls, my “Niece” is the only one I’ve ever fantasized about living with.  I live alone, I enjoy living alone, and always have.  My “niece” however is the only person I’d be happier living with than living alone.  I don’t know what that means.  I’ve visited her in Chicago twice to see if anything sparks.  The first time I was way too exhausted to think but the second time I finally got my answer.  My brother told me that “When you have a daughter, you develop a crush on her.”  I wanted to respond, “How do you tell the difference” because there in lies the answer to which I feel for my niece.  I don’t even remember if I asked but I know he never told me the answer.  This question unnerved me for years.  Now that I have gone to Chicago, I feel no spark that I want to marry her.  I realized that she has always treated me exactly the way I wanted her to, like an uncle.  To be honest, over the years, it always bothered me that I was not even close to the most important person in her life. I love her more than I’ve loved anyone else and I rank very low on her love list.  The movie Adaptation says something about love that few realize but it is true.  Someone’s opinion of you should have zero effect on your opinion of them.  I’ve always understood this and have found that most do not.  So, the fact that she doesn’t love me as I love her is pretty much exactly what our relationship has always been on paper.  Parents love their kids much more than their kids love them.  Uncles love their nieces and nephews more than their nieces and nephews love them.  So, I’m getting everything I wanted so then why am I so sad?  Let’s pretend it’s the reason that everyone thinks.  I’m an economist so I make ridiculous assumptions about the world.  So let’s assume that my “niece” doesn’t want to be my niece and wants me to grow a pair and ask her out.  Like the move Life Itself with Will.  My opinion of asking her out has always been the same as Will’s in that “If I ask you out, there will be no turning back.  If I ask you out, then I will never want to be with anyone else, I will never ask anyone else out, and I will want to spend the rest of my life with you, so I want to do it right because it’ll be the most important moment of my life.”  Unlike Will, though,  Abby never considered him an uncle, and Will never called Abby his niece.  While watching the movie, the narrator leads you to believe that Abby leaves Will and I was happy to hear that because I likened it as what would happen if I ever asked the question to my “niece” knowing that Abby didn’t say what Will said to her and may not have even thought it.  I believed I dodged a bullet but alas the movie didn’t go that way because you find out what Will means by “Abby left me.”

                I know that I need my “Niece” in my life.  I know that there are times I wish I never met her.  In fact, there are times I wish I never met my friend whose blood niece she is.  I don’t like having someone mean this much to me.  I don’t like being so attached to this person.  I don’t like that if life takes her away from me, I don’ t know how I’ll function.  Unlike the redhead, my “niece” doesn’t enrage me.  I never contemplate killing her with a bottle of rat poison.  But, my “Niece” depresses me more than anyone I’ve ever met.  It’s either the unicorns, rainbows and touchy feely shit or it’s severe depression forcing me to drink alone.  Something that I only did under extreme situations.  Yet, she can do it with the slightest neutral word.  I’ve yet to have her say an unkind word to me.  Given my reaction to unkind gestures and neutral words, it scares me what would happen if it did.  Now, I haven’t answered the question I asked.  Assuming that I did ask her out, then what?  Well, I can’t give her everything she wants.  I’m not going to say she’s a gold digger but ever since college she hasn’t dated anyone who’s family wasn’t a millionaire a few times over.  I don’t blame her for this.  She didn’t grow up like I did.  She has no reason to dislike money like I do.  Money is important.  I do not have the financial resources to give her everything she wanted.  More importantly, I’m not sure if I’m willing to try, which brings me back to an earlier point, if you’re not willing to put the work in, then you shouldn’t marry her. I know that nobody, except maybe her parents, will ever love her more than I do.  I know that if I was with her, I’d love, honor and cherish her for the rest of my life.  But, to be honest, that isn’t enough.  She deserves more.  She deserves someone that loves her almost as much as I do but has the financial capacity to make her never have to worry about money.  That is not something I can do, so for the second time in my life, I have to let the woman I love go.  Though this time, I really think it’s a love that wasn’t specified by the Greeks but in modern Greek, we use “Agape” for, the love you have for your children.  The love an uncle has for their niece. I don't think I'll ever find a greater love than my "niece."  but as the country song goes, "But I've said that before."  The movie Life Itself says "Life with bring you to your knees but if you get up, and move forward you find love" as if that's the end game.  I agree that you do find love moving forward, but it's often love that brought you to your knees in the first place.  It assumes it's the "end" but a lot of times, it's the beginning of the work.   I guess the quote most apropos to those I love is a song from Guns and Roses, “When everything’s meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.”  The reason I feel this way is that when it comes to relationships, love isn’t enough.