Liquid Courage

 

                Janilsa was a Dominican girl.  Technically she was half-Peruvian and half-Dominican since her dad was from Peru and her mom from the Dominican Republic.  While she was growing up, she felt obligated to help out her family.  This is why she would volunteer at her parent’s flower shop in East New York.  Although by all outward appearances this seemed normal, it got extreme when you got to look at the extent she went through it.  Like many Hispanic children, when her or her brother misbehaved they got physically reprimanded.  Although these disciplinary tactics were never overdone, she felt the need to try to convince her parents to not hit her brother…who would do nothing to help his own cause because he’d laugh and ask for more when he was hit.  He also threatened to call child services, which just intensified the punishment but he didn’t mind.  Janilsa, on the other hand, begged them to stop to no avail.  As they grew older, Janilsa idolized her father.  To her, her father was always right and she listened to him without argument.  In her family, if it wasn’t her pleasure to please her father it would be her pain.  Soon college came and she was excited because she would be living in the dorms at New York University (NYU), which was near her Long Island home.  With college, however, came drinking and drug use.  She still maintained good marks in school, but quickly she took on a party life as well and realized that she was a pretty mean drunk.  It was odd to her and all her friends how this sweet, warm-hearted, always-willing-to-help smart girl would turn into this physically aggressive, self-punishing monster while drunk.  A time it reached a fever pitch was at her dorm with three friends.  Two of which were female and one was male.  The girls were playing pool at her dorm and the male friend, Larry was waiting to see who won to see who he would be playing.  They had gone out previously and Janilsa was extremely drunk.  She started screaming and punching walls and windows.  Larry restrained her and she threw punches at him but he was quick enough to block.  She started screaming that she wanted to play and the girls decided to give in to her.  They gave her a pool stick.  At first, it seemed okay, she was aiming fine but then she picked up the stick and threw it at one of the girls.  She then took a pool ball and threw it at the other.  Larry got back up and provoked her again.  The flurry of punches came directed at his face but he was able to thwart all of them with his arm until she got tired.  Her little bouts with Larry would continue in this manner until they finally went back to her room so she could go to sleep. 

                As the year progressed, it became a common occurrence for Janilsa to get violently drunk.  Also common was that Larry encouraged her to attack him when she felt the urge.  His reasoning was that if she punched walls and other things, she would get hurt.  If she attacked someone else she could hurt them.  By attacking him, nobody would get hurt because he was confident, and had proven, that he was quick enough to block the blows.  Still though, it became a topic and people wondered what would happen if she had a violent episode and Larry wasn’t around.  The first year at NYU ended, and she went to the Dominican Republic (DR) with her family for vacation.  Predictably, she got extremely drunk and the violent urges started coming back.  This time she turned it against her father and berated him thinking that she didn’t know him and he was trying to kidnap her.  Her family tried telling her that it was her father but she was adamant that she didn’t recognize him.  After this incident, her father banned her from dorming at NYU and she would have to commute from their home in Long Island for the rest of her time there.  When Janilsa sobered up, she never questioned the punishment.  She felt extremely guilty for what she did in DR and said as much.  She believed her father that it was the right decision as she proved she could not be alone.  The added benefit to this was that her brother was starting college and she would be able to help him get through since college was never his first priority.  Unlike most siblings, she didn’t help him with his homework by explaining things to him, instead she just wrote his papers and did his homework for him.  Although her friends criticized her for this, she would merely say that if she didn’t, he wouldn’t pass so someone had to do it.  If her brother didn’t pass college, she would put the blame on herself not him so she did her work and her brother’s throughout her time in college.  The drinking and, by extension, the violent drunken episodes continued.  She didn’t mind living at home because her parents let her come back whenever she wanted and they or her brother would pick her up on the train.

                Two years removed from college, Janilsa finally had enough of her violent drinking outbursts and gave up drinking.  It was motivated by becoming best friends with a Muslim girl named Luna who never drank.  She found it quite easy to give it up and was praised by all for it.  Everyone that is, except Larry.  Larry and she had become really close friends and he was a guest in her home many times.  Although he couldn’t point to an incident or specific reason, he had a feeling that Janilsa’s home life wasn’t as picture perfect as it seemed to be.  There was something odd about the way she talked about her father.  Such reverence was a little over the top and not to be seen with children.  There’s a difference between respecting ones father and idolizing him and elevating him to God status.  He kept his mouth shut though.  When Janilsa gave up drinking, he was very vocal about why it was a bad idea.  To Larry, she was just following the lead of the Muslim girl.  Prior to the Muslim girl, she had the Graciellae sheep-like following of her best friend who had since moved to Florida.  The previous one was a little less obvious, only that Janilsa waited to lose her virginity after her friend did.  That was the only connection Larry saw but again, the evidence was lacking, he just had a feeling he was right and these gut instincts were normally spot on.  As he became more vocal about what he feels about her father, he realized Janilsa’s other friends agreed with him.  Obviously though, nobody would dare tell Janilsa. 

He was in favor of her drinking in that he was against her not drinking because her friend didn’t.  The other thing was, Larry had grown up in Cleveland, Ohio, which is a city he hated.  He noticed that when drinking in New York or other places, he was calm, normally just spoke other languages but really just wanted to go home and go to sleep.  While drinking in Cleveland, however, he became a violent, loud, obnoxious and belligerent drunk.  He would pick fights at bars even lying simply to anger the crowd.  He had also done this in LA, another city he didn’t enjoy being in.  He finally saw the pattern…he was a belligerent drunk when he drank in an environment or city he didn’t feel comfortable.  While drunk, he’d lash out.  His sober self criticized him and made him feel guilty for all the times he had violated one of his rules of his strict moral code.  He justified it in that if he forgives himself then he’s more likely to do it again, so he carried the guilt like a burden on his shoulder.  His drunk self felt no guilt and if he wasn’t comfortable, he wasn’t going to mold or mend with the surroundings, he’d attack.  He had gotten Janilsa to admit that she also carries around this guilt.  And he supposed that her belligerent drunk episodes were similar to his, except he left the uncomfortable place and Janilsa continued to live in it. 

Janilsa had done very well for herself after graduating.  She immediately got a job at Lehman Brothers and then Barclays when Lehman collapsed.  She had invested well in the stock market and had bought apartments that she rented out.  Couple that with not having to pay rent, she was doing very well financially.  All of her friends had moved out of their parents’ house and were living on their own but she refused.  Two year prior, right around the time she quit drinking, her parents announced they were getting divorced.  Her mom had found a man in DR and spent six months of the year with him and six months in New York with her husband.  Her mom had scheduled her to meet with a psychologist to air her feelings but that didn’t do much.  Janilsa was firmly on her father’s side, I mean who wouldn’t be?  Larry gave lip service to this but deep down he couldn’t believe that he was innocent in all this. Especially after her brother moved out and got a place with his girlfriend.  Now it was just Janilsa and her father in the house alone for six months of the year.  Now Janilsa would definitely never move out because her father would be all alone and that would make her way too guilty.  She was all he had, she couldn’t leave, she had to be the obedient faithful daughter.

Of all her friends from the beginning of school, Larry had been the most consistent.  That’s not to say he was the closest but he was the longest close friend.  Since he was a guest of her house on so many occasions, he got to know not only Janilsa’s immediate family but many of her cousins and even some cousins’ spouses.  Janilsa wasn’t too happy that Larry would hit on most of her cousins but nothing ever came of it and he was open to being cock blocked by her.  He complained about it but never seriously. He observed and observed and Janilsa was very different around her father.  She was less confident, less assertive, less happy.  It pained him that he couldn’t do anything or say anything.  Then he found out that her brother was getting married in DR.  Larry didn’t hesitate he had to go to the wedding.  As it turned out though, he had four similar invitations. His year was looking at two weddings in the Dominican Republic, one in Portland, Oregon and one in Baltimore.  Four weddings in places he didn’t call home.  Add that that he planned a trip to Europe and Japan, and financing these trips became a major concern.  Of all the trips, Janilsa’s brother’s wedding was the last chronologically.  He intimated to Janilsa that he may not be able to go and she said she didn’t mind.  It also was a problem that none of his and Janilsa’s mutual friends were going so rooming would be more expensive.  To Larry though, he couldn’t justify not going to Janilsa’s brother’s wedding when he was going to his friend’s sister’s wedding.  He was much closer with Janilsa’s family than she was with her other friend’s family and her brother always helped him out when he called for car trouble since he knew a lot about cars.  He decided he’d just suck it up and go. 

Larry managed to get through the year of weddings and trips and his passport had many more stamps for it.  He finally reached his trip; Janilsa’s brother’s wedding.  He flew in and checked himself into the hotel.  While at the reception, he was walking around and saw Janilsa with her dad.  Nobody else may have paid this any mind but Larry had a sick fascination with seeing if he was right.  He stared after them and followed them not having a plan with what he’d say if they noticed.  Her dad put his arms around her and she leaned into him.  Larry saw nothing out of the ordinary about this, part of him told him to just turn back and stop stalking them but he continued on.  He had to be crazy, I mean Janilsa wouldn’t put up with this anymore if it continued.  She wasn’t 18 anymore, she was 27 years old, if there was any truth to her dad abusing her, she’d be out of there.  Still though, he saw everything as a sign, the fact that she not only became best friends but sort of converted to her friend’s Muslim culture.  Muslims denigrate woman and the daughter’s devotion is to the father until he finds a worthy suitor for her.  There were holes in his theory but he couldn’t be convinced he was wrong.  While on the beach, he saw her dad’s arm drop and graze over her butt.  If you weren’t looking, you may not see it but Larry was looking intently.  The other thing that bothered him was that Janilsa had no reaction.  He was a poker player and studied non-verbal communication skills. Janilsa’s walk didn’t waver, her muscles didn’t tense, she was completely natural, which Larry took to mean that this was a common occurrence.  He decided that discretion was the better part of valor and he just went back to the reception hall to decide what he was going to do now that he received his confirmation.  He couldn’t confront anyone because nobody would be on his side.  So, he did what he always did when he realized he was too chicken to do anything about it…he drank.

A little while later, Janilsa came back with her dad.  Larry knew her dad’s English wasn’t too good and neither was his Spanish so he hadn’t talked with her father much but he knew who he was.  Her father and Janilsa walked up to him and Janilsa asked, “You having fun?”

“Yes”

“You look upset.”

Larry was looking at her father while he was speaking and her father stared right back.  Janilsa began to feel uneasy and finally Larry broke the silence and said in Spanish, “Yo era en la playa y si toques a ella con eso de nuevo, nosotros tenemos una problema grande.”

Larry was sitting when they first came over but now he was standing facing her father.  It was Janilsa, however that responded.  She screamed, “You can’t talk to my father that way” and started flailing her arms trying to punch him.  Just like their time in college, Larry was quick enough to block and her father calmly said, “Tienes suerte ella trata de doler a tu, porque si seria yo, tu estuvieras en la piso”

“no digas, haces algo”

Janilsa’s father shook his head and then swung his right arm at Larry’s face.  Larry ducked under it, delivered two shots to his kidneys before ducking again as her father came back around with a defensive backhand.  Larry then shot up and drove his palm into his solar plexus and Janilsa’s father dropped to a knee.  By this time Janilsa’s family started coming at them.  Larry said, “De Nuevo, si toques esta mujer tan como tu toques en la playa, voy a matarte.”

Janilsa grabbed Larry by the arm and pulled him toward the door.  Larry followed; he knew that he was in trouble.  Doing the right thing was always a hard road but he noticed that none of her other family members did anything.  They all stood around looking sad and unsure how to act.  If her father was innocent, he thought someone would attack him but maybe it was coming soon or maybe they expected Janilsa to handle it because he was her friend.  Janilsa grabbed Larry by the shirt and shoved him against a palm tree.  She said a little too calmly for Larry’s liking, “Do you have any idea what you just did?”

“I think you know more than I do but I don’t think I was wrong.”

“Do you ever?”

“Rarely”

“Well let me enlighten you, number one, I was rooming with my parents”

“Okay”

“Can’t do that anymore could I?”

“Only if I was right, if I’m wrong you could go in there apologize for me, be embarrassed, blame the alcohol and they would just hate me.  If I’m wrong, it doesn’t reflect on them at all.  Yes, I know your cousins and stuff but I doubt their opinion of your father will change because I hit him.  So, I really don’t see any reason why you couldn’t unless he deserved it.”

Larry saw Janilsa wind up but since her palm was open, he did nothing and accepted the slap across the face.  His head snapped back and he gave her an accusatory look as if to say she just proved his point.  She said, “You just don’t get it do you? Things aren’t as simple as you were right or you were wrong.  I will never admit you were right, you understand me? Never.”

“I think you just did.”

Janilsa slapped him again.  She noticed that her cousins and family were coming out to watch them talk.  Janilsa never liked airing her dirty laundry and knew Larry was very accustomed to public debates even though the crowd was almost always against him.  She said, “Give me your room key, I’m rooming with you tonight.  Find an excuse to leave and meet me there in like 10 minutes.  Take out your wallet in the bushes so nobody sees you.  Larry did as he was told and slipped Janilsa the room key and put the wallet back in his pocket. 

Larry went back inside.  Janilsa left at a quick walk and said to her family, “Yo quiero a estar en sola”

Larry walked back to the party as a social pariah.  Nobody wanted to talk to him from Janilsa’s family, which meant everyone he knew there.  After a little while, the bride came up to him and he was preparing to hear it.  He had met her on several occasions and for the most part got along with her but he had a feeling she wasn’t going to be as nice this time.  She sat next to him and said, “You really pissed people off.”

“I’m sorry I did this at your wedding.”

“I don’t care Larry, it was a quick thing, yea people are talking about it hushed but the music is still playing and people are still dancing and having a good time.  You didn’t ruin anything.  All you really did was make everyone here hate you.”

Larry smiled at the bluntness.  He turned to her and said, “So, why did you come here?”

“You look like you needed a friend…yours left the party.”

“Well I appreciate that.”

The bride smiled and got up and walked away.  Larry went to the bar and asked for a shot of rum.  The Caribbean was known for their rum for good reason.  He looked at his watch and realized it had been 10 minutes; one of the longest 10 minutes of his life.  He took the shot and then left the party to go to his room.  He knocked on the door and Janilsa answered.  She said, “So, how did it go?”

“Everyone hates me, except Graciella, she’s still nice.”

“Did anyone say anything to you?”

“Nope”

“Did you feel uncomfortable?”

“Extremely”

“Good, now we need to talk logistics”

“I’m so confused what the hell is going on.  The slapping I understood, everything else, not so much.”

“Good”

Larry nodded his head as if to say fine, I get no sympathy.  Janilsa said, “Well, I can no longer live with my father, which means I have to move out.  It’s your fault, so I have to move in with you.”

“Why can’t you move in with Luna? She moved to the city, you’re over there enough anyway?”  Larry knew that when she had to stay out late in the city, rather than take a train back to Long Island she would stay at Luna’s apartment on the west side.

“Because it’s not her fault I can’t live with my father.  She shouldn’t be imposed upon because you fucked shit up.”

“Tell me what I fucked up?”

“Now it’s in the open.  My dad’s going to blame me for telling you even though I didn’t.  Do you know what would happen to me if I stayed there?  It would get worse?”

“So I was right?”

“You don’t listen very good do you?  I already addressed that.”

“Right.”

Janilsa took a deep breath and sat down on the bed before continuing, “You don’t understand what he’s gone though.”

Larry felt the rage come to him now, he saw what was happening, “No, you’re not going to do this.”

“You just don’t understand”

“No, you don’t understand Janilsa, he’s a grown adult.  He can take care of himself, he doesn’t need you to take care of him.  You can take care of him when he’s old and decrepit and can barely walk, not now.  You’re throwing away your life to cater to his problems and that’s fucking wrong.”

“It’s none of your business”

“Now you fucking sound like Vonnie.  You’re wrong about that too, this is my business and I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore, I’m not holding back.  You’re probably not going to talk to me again anyway.  But you’re one of my best friends, which means I’m emotionally involved with what happens to you and it fucking kills me to see you continue to denigrate yourself and prolong yourself in a toxic environment.  You’re right, you do need to move out.  You’re right that it’s my fault.  The answer is not to go back to what you were doing because I was weirded out about us living together.  Don’t feel guilty because you point out that I need to take responsibility for my actions.  I know that Janilsa.”

Janilsa knew that Larry rarely talked about his emotions.  Both of them had shut off that part of themselves so to hear him talk about being emotionally involved was very foreign to her.  She continued, “Well you know my mom…”

“I don’t give a shit.  That’s his problem, he chose the wrong person to marry.  Or, your mom just did what was best for her the way you need to do what’s best for you.  Understand that you can’t help people if you’re not secure with yourself.  Being selfless is bad if you lose yourself to do it.  I don’t think I’m the only one that suspects this.  In fact, I know I’m not, I’m pretty sure your mom knows what’s going on, so maybe that’s what drove her away.”

Janilsa stared at him, “You’re really walking on thin ice.”

“Yea, what else is new?”

“You know what, I don’t have to listen to this shit anymore.  This was a mistake, forget what I said, I’m staying with my parents” Janilsa stormed toward the door and opened it but Larry slammed the door shut and blocked her path.  Janilsa continued, “Get out of my way.”

“I’m not finished”

“Yes you are.”

“Whether you want to admit it or not, you and I are very similar.  We both carry guilt from breaking what we think is right.  But the difference between you and me is I let my guilt out.  I write to let all the pent up frustration and shit out, you carry it like a fucking anvil.  You do nothing to shed it off.  The difference is I don’t put on a façade, I know who I am.”

“Me too.”

“No you don’t.  you’re a fucking sell out.  You told me yourself that I need to learn to talk the corporate talk.  Conform to society you told me.  That’s called selling out, selling yourself to get ahead.  It’s fine to do that in the work world, but you’ve taken it outside of work and tried to incorporate it in your life and that will kill you.  Deep down, you know you’re the bandana wearing, big hoop earring, ghetto clothes, ebonics speaking bad ass chic that I love.  But you don’t let her out, you’re too scared to be you.  She’s there and she will kill you if you don’t let her out and keep trying to hold her back.”

“You’re wrong.  That was a long time ago.”

“Really?” Larry grabbed Janilsa by the arm and started pulling her toward the bathroom.  He had no idea what came over him and if Janilsa had seriously tried resisting, he probably would have stopped but she really wasn’t making much of an effort.  Larry dragged her to the bathroom and turned her to face the mirror and said, “Tell her that.”

Janilsa laughed, “What are you doing?”

“I want you to tell her” pointing to the mirror, “that she’s dead.  Tell her that girl is gone, tell her that this fine clothes, smooth talking, straight edge no drugs, no alcohol chic is the real you and that ebonics speaking, ghetto girl is dead.”

Larry felt Janilsa begin to shake.  He didn’t really anticipate this to work.  In fact, he might have let her leave if she did, but Janilsa stared into the mirror and became speechless.  She lowered her head and fought back tears.  Larry softened his tone and said, “Janilsa it’s not your responsibility to save your family.”

“I know.”

“Joel is married, he’s made it, he’s got a house, bought a liquor store, he doesn’t need you to put him through life anymore.”

“I know”

“Your dad can take care of himself.”

“I’m all he’s got”

“It’s not your responsibility.  You’re in no position to help him.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, when will it end Janilsa?  What needs to happen for him not to need you anymore?” Janilsa started shaking her head.  Larry continued, “It’s not your responsibility to get your parents through their divorce.”

“Please stop.”

“This isn’t your fight, it’s between them”

“Stop”

“Janilsa, Joel is moving on with his life.  He’s doing what’s best for him, don’t you think you should do the Graciellae?  You’re dad can’t use you to feel better about himself.  That’s wrong.  He’s taking advantage of you.”

Janilsa faced him with tears in her eyes.  She didn’t want to hear this, “You don’t know anything about my father.”

“Maybe, but I know that a father should never do what he’s doing to you.  I know that a child should never be extremely scared of her father.  Yes, you can be afraid that he’ll punish you when you do something bad, but if he causes it, or if you get unnecessarily punished, that’s on him, not you.  Stop killing yourself.”

“You’re really a heartless asshole.”

“Normally I’d agree, but not right now.  Because I could easily just stand by and let you kill yourself but it bothers me because you’re one of my closest friends.”

“I can’t believe this is coming from you…so many people know.  Nobody did anything.  Nobody cared.”

“Wrong, this is just not an easy conversation to have.”

“I know what you’re saying, but my dad needs me.”

“For how long?”

Janilsa didn’t answer.  Larry asked again and she snapped back, “You’re a fucking hypocrite you know that?” as tears started coming back but this time Janilsa didn’t have her head down, she was on the attack.

“How so?”

“Let’s say that we live together.  Then what?  I’m living with you to try to get my life back.  You want to live alone yet you’re living with me to help me.  How is that any fucking different.? You’re just like my father.”

“I won’t put up with it forever.” Janilsa had no counter to this.  She saw the difference, Larry’s help came with an expiration date.  Larry continued, “And if you show that you are becoming dependant on me rather than trying to better yourself.  If you give up trying to find yourself, as your father has, I won’t help anymore.  You’re dad doesn’t want to feel better, he wants you to never leave him.  I have a different goal”

Janilsa dropped to her knees.  Larry came over and placed his arm over her shoulder and pulled her toward him.  She turned to him and wrapped her arms around him and buried her head in his shoulder sobbing.  Larry helped her up but she continued sobbing.  Larry smiled and said, “Janilsa, you’ve been releasing your emotions on me for eight years, you don’t have to hold back.  Let it out.”

Janilsa chuckled, then all her feelings from the night started coming back and she squeezed harder and cried hysterically.  She had never let herself cry like that in front of a guy before but she let go. Larry said, “Come on, we’re in DR, the sun can dry anything you got tomorrow.”

Janilsa smiled.  She cried a little while longer then pulled back and took a deep breath.  She composed herself and said, “So, we got to find a place.  When’s your lease up?”

“My landlord is good about me breaking the lease but I need to give him 90 day notice.”

“I think I can live with Luna for three months but I’ll probably be crashing with you just to take the pressure off her.”

“Whenever you want really, but you need to know that I don’t make as much as you so when we find a place, you got to keep that in mind.”

“I’ll pick the place, you just pay me what you can afford.  I’ll take it out of therapy costs.”

“I hope you feel like this tomorrow.”

“One way to find out, but when we return to the states, you need to go to my house and get my stuff.  You know, the whole taking responsibility for your actions thing.”

                Larry smiled, facing her father was not going to be easy. “Yea, okay.”

                Janilsa ordered a cot and spent the rest of the weekend in Larry’s room.  Her dad kept away because he felt she would come back to him; especially when the weekend was over and she would have to come back home.

               

                When they returned to the States, Larry went over to Janilsa’s house with boxes and a truck.  Janilsa went with him but she wasn’t alone.  All her cousins and their spouses came too.  Janilsa had sent her dad warning because she felt she owed him that much.  He heeded it and made sure not to be at the house when they came.  With quick efficiency they moved everything that wasn’t essential into storage and Janilsa did what she said she’d do.  Luna took her in but she spent a lot of time at Larry’s as well.  She got back into drinking socially and keeping everything in moderation.  As the calendar turned to the new year her and Larry got a place in the city together.  She had never been happier.